valerisame's Blog

You know what, I am extremely pissed off.  Wanna know why?  Because here I go and put the red equality sign as my profile picture and people at my boyfriend's high school wouldn't stop giving him crap about this.  I was in high school at one point, I know the toughness of it.  You really can't express yourself fully without being judged.  So here I am, finally in COLLEGE, and I can't get away from the judgeing.

And it pisses me off more that my boyfriend couldn't go through school without being hassled about it.  He wasn't the one that posted that picture, I was.  But as he said, "I'm just getting so much crap about you and it." 

God.  I want to hit someone.

So I haven't blogged in a bit, my apologizes.  But, I decided to quick look at this and my eyes practically popped out when I saw that these things were getting over 300 views!  Wow.  Thanks guys :)  I've come a long way from the old 20-30 view range.

What could we talk about today?  How about the fact that putting toothpaste on the start of a pimple/zit gets rid of it!  That is what I am currently doing.  Sitting at my computer, watching Supernatural on Netflix...with toothpaste on my face. :P  Haha, acne is always a funny subject for me.  I grew up with pretty good skin.  The worst breakout I ever had was freshmen/sophomore year during basketball season.  The top of my forehead by the hairline got these small bumps.  Other than that, it was normal for me to get a pimple once every couple months on my chin, but that would always go away within a couple days; a week at max.

Or how about we talk about professors and college.  One thing that I have begun to see is the lack of interest the professors have in their students.  That, and the lack of discussion students are willing to put forth.  I always thought that when I got to college I would be having these crazy indepth conversations with my fellow peers....but that isn't the cause.  But then, a thing could be argued that if I want in depth conversations I should start 'em!

Well, that's all I got right now.  Getting ice cream with some friends.

Last semester I was in an ICT class (Information, Communication, and Technology) and there was this SUPER DUPER annoying girl.  She was loud (not in a good way) and was constantly acting like she knew everything.  I was just baarreely able to manage through the class without shooting mine or someone else's brains out.  When the class ended I was SO thankful I'd never have to deal with her again.

Think twice, stupid stupid Valerie.  As it would turn out, she's in  my photography class.  And is STILL acting like a know-it-all.

Baaaah.

What does that stand for?! Second Semester Started!!!

So far, it's going swell. (:

I started a photography class and already I've begin to catch on to things.  The class focuses on using manual mode which means we can't use the preset or auto modes.  All I need to do now is learn how to edit the pictures and make them amazing. I also joined a group here at the college that creates a fashion/art/beauty magazine.  I signed up as a photographer. SO DAMN EXCITED.

But that's all I got time for about.  Sorry!  Have a great day, everyone. (:

Right now I am currently doing a few loads of laundry at my college, and I'm just sitting here on EP instead of studying my econ thinking about everything and anything.

Like, I wish aliens would come to Earth.  And not evil ones that would see about ending our lives and using up all our resources, but some nice ones that would come here and help us straighten out things.  Turn things around like turning over a new leaf.

I think about how I would have liked to have been alive during the raging 20's.  Booze, sex, flapper dresses...I would have loved to have been alive during then and be called a floozy and stuff.  Just going crazy because everyone else was.

I think about magic and how I wish there could be some kind of proof it was real.  You know, all of a sudden there are fairies or unicorns are some shit.  When I read the Inkheart series, all I could think about was how much I wanted being able to read things out of a book to be real...or being able to be read into one.

So my twin broke up with her boyfriend of 16 months on Thanksgiving.  Basically, he is a freakin' asswipe.  Numerous times he would flirt with other girls while dating my twin, and she would catch him.  And the funny thing was, HE was the controlling, possessive type.  God, makes me want to puke how pathetic he is.

Anyway, I was bored last night and a "Truth Is," sounded like a good idea.  I told people I was going to be blunt and honest and if they didn't want that, well then, DON'T LIKE MY STATUS.

Well, of course, he liked my status.  So, I went to his wall and was honest with him.  I told him he had pissed me off a lot recently due to his poor decisions and how he has hurt people I care about.  And that I feel he is somewhat cocky and controlling.  But then I ended it with that I hope he succeeds at whatever he wants to do. So, it wasn't a TERRIBLE Truth Is.

His sister commented on it though, and said, "Insert full name, I love you!..."cocky-controlling" and all."

Iz found out about this somehow and later I heard the sister bitched out Iz or something.  WHICH DOES NOT MAKE SENSE.  I was the one that posted the status. I am the one that should be getting yelled at.  So now, Iz is mad at me, blah blah blah. and BLAH.

Last night I tried to sit down and focus on Economics.  You know, try to reread some of the chapters and get a better understanding of the matter we will be tested on for the final exam.  That kind of stuff.

I am incapable of studying.  And I think it doesn't help that I've never actually studied before.  By studying, I've hardly ever, if never, sat down and reviewed information, did note cards, etc etc.  I can remember once when I was a sophomore in high school I did a lot of reviewing of terms and dates and people for a biology exam, but that is the extent of which my studying has ever encountered.

God. I suck.

Can you guess what I am going to write about?  Yeeeessss ma'am, I'm writing about SNOW. :-)  We got hit by a huge ass snowstorm yesterday and last night and basically there were recordings for up to 24 inches.  Where I am at currently is about 15 inches.  BUT SO MUCH SNOW!

I seriously love snow.  I love the cold.  All I want to do right now is go find some sort of snowsuit and go roll around outside.  Haha, I had a dream I did that a while back before the snow fell.  So I really want to go make a snow angel right now, but without the problem of getting incredibly snowy and wet from it, haha.

My weekend was fun!  Got home late after the concert but was able to go see Lance for a couple hours before going back home.  Woke up the next morning and went to church with my mom to sing in the choir.  After that, I chilled at home for a bit before Lance called me asking if I wanted to come over, though, I would maybe be helping put lights up outside.  In the end, I didn't have to, but it was fun being around Lance and his family.

He had a band concert at one point though so I had to go back home while he was warming up for jazz and then come back with my family.  The concert was very good in my opinion!  I loved listening to the jazz ensemble and it reminded me of when I was in it.  After that, we went back to his house where he proceeded to get in a fight with his Dad.  *sigh*  I did explain to Lance he was wrong though, haha.  As much as he might have hated that.  

His parents invited me to stay for dinner and it was very good.  Mmmm, these flavored mashed potatoes with creamed corn on top.  And then there was roast.  And a bowl of cool whip with a can of fruit cocktail in it.  THAT was very good in it's simplicity and easiness to make because I knew I could make it if need be. 

I left his house around 8:30 pm though because I knew my mom was probably going to grumble a bit if I didn't spend a bit of time with them.  I get home and see the huge Christmas tree we chopped down earlier was up with lights strung on it already.  So I sat there and talked with my mom a bit and then she convinced me to bake some cookies, lol.

But yeah, now I'm back at college and won't be going back home till I'm done with finals.  Gar, I wish this wasn't the case. 

God. Damn. It.

Godamnitall.

*sigh*  Tonight I have a choir concert which my mom is coming to.  Hour long drive in the snow, in the dark, for 70 miles.  Anyway, after the concert she is going to take me home for the night and tomorrow (Sunday) so I could sing with the church choir in church.

I was originally going to be getting a ride back to my college from a girl that lives in a neighboring town, but this morning I woke up to a text telling me they were probably going to be coming back tonight.  (O.o)  What?  So, that ride is no longer going to work out.

So I text another girl that lives in my town and is going to be going to college with me next semester.  She is also coming home, but is leaving early in the morning; 8 o clock.  So, I can't ride with her because the point of me coming home is to sing in church.

I then text this girl's sister.  She sometimes comes home, but not as often.  Sure enough, she is coming home!  But...leaving my town at 9:45 am.  Basically, that would allow me time to sing, but nowhere near any time to spend some time with Lance.  (Since I will be getting back really late on Saturday night; 10:30 or 11 pm.)

Basically, right now I am just feeling really sad and hopeless.  I did go and post a message in the "carpool" page our school has on Facebook.  Maybe I'll find someone that is coming through my town later in the afternoon on Sunday.  :/  I also talked to my parents, and they really don't want to have to give me a ride back.  Which sucks.  I can understand why Mom won't want to because she is going to be spread thin today, and Dad is going to be wiped from combining.

:'( god damn it all

Eek.  I feel there is so much stuff I need to be doing and not enough time. 

I got most of my speech written last night.  I actually feel I may need to cut out stuff, which could cause a problem with my sources.  At one point, I became so tired I just started watching cute cat videos on youtube.

My mouth was hanging open comically with a drip of drool spilling out because I zoned out so hardcore.  I was so tired I was doing everything and anything.  My friend Ryan came and talked to me during this time, and we started a debate about puppies and our conversation ended with me calling him schizophrenic and myself an alien.  Tired much?

Made myself get up at 7 to go to my 8 am Math class.  It was a smart choice, I guess.  I am basically getting all the problems for the exam, just in different numbers then the ones that will actually be on the test.  For example, while he tells us to "solve for x" and the problem is 3x + 4 = 0 the one on the test might actually be 6x + 12 = 0.  Ya see what I mean?  Just different numbers but the same process for the problem.

The moment this week is over, I will let out a "hip hip hurray!" and run off into the sunset with a click of my heels.

And what I mean by that, is that it is really starting to show in my actions.  I basically skipped my two morning classes (Math and Economics).  Shouldn't have surprised me....I mean, those two classes are the two worst.  Both professors have no idea what they are talking about and they drive me insane.  It's torture to be at the classes because no one ever learns anything.  Or better yet, some people do, but the majority are left in the shadows wondering what the hell is going on.  In my Econ class, the grading scale is curved so drastically that if you get a 50% on a quiz or assignment, it's actually a D instead of an F.

While such a fact is disturbing for me, I'm thankful for it because that's how I passed my last quiz.  Bah.

And then, I have three days to write a speech.  A speech I feel I have no clue where to start and it's starting to make my brain explode.  I don't know what to do, I don't know where to start, I don't know if I have enough information for a 7 to 8 minute long speech and...I JUST DON'T KNOW.

I know what my subject is going to be, but finding all the information I need....next to impossible. 

I'm going ot go drive off a bridge later, I swear.

So this weekend flew by way too fast for my liking.  

Friday I got home an hour earlier than what I thought was going to happen.  This was because my ride texted me saying that we would be leaving at 4, but instead, got to my college to pick me up at 3.  All a mistake in the text.  *sigh* So, I had to miss the one class I actually enjoy being at for the most part.  But getting home earlier made it so I could spend some time with my mom and dad before heading out to go watch the girl's JV home game.  

I love watching basketball. :)  I played it for eight years and I will always have a fond spot for it.  And this would be the first time I watched the girls play instead of me playing with them.  It was kind of hard, watching the Varsity girls kick butt later.  But, I cheered them on really loud. :)  That's also something about me.  When I cheer, EVERYONE can hear me. 

Saturday I spent the day with my family.  My mom and I went to the high school and watched a little kid's basketball tourney that was on.  Got to watch my little cousin play which was really awesome. :) And then, later, I got to watch a girl I used to babysit.  It was all kind of cool.

That night the boys played a rival school.  I HATE THEM WITH A PASSION.  The girls are all loud obnoxious country cows.  Anyway....god, I am getting agitated just thinking about it.  The thing is, those boys were WAY taller than all of ours and they are good, I'll give them that.  But the refs also SUCKED ass.  Seriously, I just wanted to drill them in the head with a basketball.  Lance got into play a couple times though. :)  He made two shots which was awesome.  I just about peed myself cheering for him.  It was really exciting for me.

We hung out after the game.  Went to a nearby pub with his parents and chilled there and got some food.  After that, went back to his house and hung out with his younger brother.  Cuddled up in a bed later with him and he fell asleep crazy fast.  His snoring actually lulled me to sleep. xD  But then I woke up after a couple hours and it was midnight so I kissed him goodnight and left.  *sigh* I can't wait for the day I don't have to leave.

This morning I went with my mom to church choir practice.  It went okay.  I kind of do it out of having done it since 6th grade.  And, I guess, we do sing some pretty music.  Afterwards, Lance took me out to the woods to retrieve some cameras to see if there were any deer in the hunting area.  It was fun walking with him through the crisp air and woods.  Just enjoyable being around him.

By the time we got back to his house though, and helped his dad with loading some chairs for some event tonight, I had about twenty minutes before I had to head home because again...my ride had moved up the time on me and we were leaving earlier.  ARGH.

Anyway, I'm back at college now and putting off doing a speech.  Dear God, please kill me with lightning.  Kill Lance though also so I'm not alone.

So tonight is going to be the first time since graduating high school, watching the girl's team play.  I'm both excited and somewhat sad because I will not be playing with them.  Something that always got to me my senior year was how much more I could have done if I had just had one more year.  *sigh*  Long sad story that I don't feel like getting into right now.

Interesting experiment happened since yesterday.  So, I put up a new profile pic on here.  A pic that actually shows my face and all.  And all of a sudden I have these guys messaging me and shit.  It's like..."Well, that wasn't obvious."  My dad one time had this explanation with me about a twitter account.  The girl had a nice decent pic up, and then put up a profile pic that showed a lot of cleavage.  Her followers skyrocketed....due to the fact she showed some cleavage.  (My picture though, does not show such things.  Suck that pervs.)

I'm also excited to be seeing my boyfriend tonight. :)  God, being away at college, away from him sucks big time.  I felt kind of weird in the beginning, dating someone that was a year and four months younger than myself.  See, I never date younger.  I always date older just because...well, they tend to be better listeners and are more mature for the most part.  But yeah, this one just kind of snuck up on me. (: And for the first time, I'm not worrying if the relationship is going to last or not.  I always do that it seems.  Worry.  This time though, I'm just letting things happen as they will.  That's how everyone should go about life, I think.  Just take it for what it is, don't read into things, don't worry, don't ponder over incidents....just accept what life is handing you and keep trucking on.

I am a bit nervous about the game though.  See, we are playing the school were my last boyfriend, Marcus (the one I was crazy in love with) graduated from.  It's a home game for our school, so I doubt he'll be there.  I just have that little thought in the back of my head that asks "What if he is?"

Curse you back head thoughts. 

Let's first cover the explanation.  See, I have recently joined two groups "I am a Vampire," and "I am a Werewolf." 
Fact: I am not either.
Fact: I more or less joined the group because both things interest me, and I like reading people's stories about their lives. 

Today for example in the "IAAW" group, there was this one girl that posted HILARIOUS crap about little twelve year olds claiming they had changed and that they were alphas.  How she put it all (more or less in a narrative script thing) was just the funniest thing ever and made my day.  Thank you, miss.

Venting Session Time.
-----------------------------

So I have made mistakes in the past.  Everyone has, it's not the end of the world.  I never regret them though.  I understand the importance of learning from life and not looking back.  It's a lesson I've learned over summer, but I have grown from it and I appreciate it.

At the beginning of the college year, I went to a party with one of my friends, Sam.  We had been friends for 11 years so he was definitely the person I would go with.  He wouldn't let anything happen to me.  Well, we got really drunk and ended up tumbling down together.  The next day we understood that that shouldn't of happened and it wasn't going to happen again.  

The fact was, I was really interested in a different guy back home.  A guy that is now my boyfriend.  He is sweet, caring, and while he is indeed a year and four months younger than me, it didn't matter because he made me happy.  In this crazy kind of way I didn't know was possible after I had been in the dark so long.

Anyway, Sam has been...being difficult.  I have taken to avoiding hanging out and talking with him because whenever I do, he brings up my boyfriend and then proceeds to tell me I should break up with him soon.  That, I need a "man" and not some little "boy."  It's frustrating. 

Sam has...what you would say...become attached to me because of what happened that night.  He almost acts like a needy girlfriend or something.  And frankly, it hurts me that he hasn't accepted my choice of dating this other guy and that they other guy makes me happy.

I can understand why he might be holding a bit of a grudge because he wanted to make me happy.  But, as my friend of 11 years...shouldn't he be happy for me that I am happy and not in that sad, cold, dark place that I was before?

It doesn't seem that way...

My mood: pretty fidgety

This Thanksgiving break was a rather pleasant one. :) Like always, we had our thanksgiving meal with my cousins and my mom's parents.  Fun times ensued like always such as the making of a movie trailer for my younger cousin's homework project, watching a TON of movies, and chilling out late at night eating left overs.  Mmmm, good.

My mother and I also went to a Lori Line concert on Saturday. :) Boy was that amazing!  Sure, some of the dancing was kind of cheesy, but the costumes were rather intriguing and the music was wonderful.  So many talented people on stage.  I am very glad she and I decided last minute to go.

One thing that bugged me though at the show were these two people; one elderly lady and a middle aged lady that had to be reseated due to a ticket printing error.  These people proceeded to complain and be class A bitches to the little old lady that had to reseat them.  To me, that was like back sassing your grandmother.  I couldn't believe the nerve of these people.  They proceeded to complain and be rude enough so greatly that they got complimentary tickets to a jazz concert and someone came up to the them and offered their seats.  What. The. Hell.

On a brighter note I'm blonde again. :) Enjoying it as is my boyfriend. 

So yes, a good break that is for sure.  I cannot wait for Christmas break.  I kind of hate being here and not at home.  *sigh*  I fail.

Okay, so maybe it's not the dark itself that scares me.  As everyone always says, "I'm not scared of the dark, I'm scared of what's in the dark."  I guess, for me that rings true also.  A lot of times, like during the day, if I want to take a nap I'll close all the blinds, turn off all the lights, and bury myself under my blankets to fall asleep in the dark warmth of my comforter.

But once night falls, I need to have a light on.  It probably doesn't help that I watch a lot of horror/ghost movies and naturally I freak myself out.  Why does this happen though?  Why is it the moment the sun sets we need the light rather than turn it off.

My opinion:  When it's day time and you're by yourself in your room, or getting ready to take a nap it's okay to turn off the lights...block every single piece of light out.  Why?  Because you know it's daytime.  Daytime is regularly related to a feeling of safety.  With light you can see what's happening...things don't start to show up with a twist of your imagination.

When the sun sets...that's when problems happen.  You remember all the movies where the psychopath attacked at night, the ghost that crept out of the dark closet, or all the thoughts of demons and monsters trying to grab you by your feet and eat you.  And the thing is, the light is no longer reliable.  The sun burns brightly during the day for many hours.  But at night, all you have is your light bulbs, run by electricity.  If that electricity disappears...you no longer have the light that makes you feel safe.  You are an easily attainable victim.

For what's more scarier than not being able to see the things that lurk in the dark?

Ugh.  Out of all the classes I have at college, Economics is the one that I loath the most.  Why, might you ask?  Well, the reason is...I DON'T FREAKIN' GET IT.

And I am not stupid.  Trust me.  It's just that the professor is incapable of teaching us the material and making it so we understand it. Sure, there are the kids that really understand the stuff by some part of magic so...bah.

I failed the most recent exam we had.  Failed.  I don't fail things.  I just, seriously don't get it.  Gar.

Currently, I'm an a friend's house doing our worksheet as a group.  Hopefully, this will help with me improving my understanding of the subject.  *sigh*

And we're watching Rizzoli and Isles as we are working on it.  Now, all I need is some pizza and my night will be complete.  Don't ya think?

I want it to be Friday already so I can go home and watch my brother and boyfriend play their first basketball games.  I need to start cheering again for them.  One of my favorite things is cheering them on in sports.  They are my heroes in a sense, I guess you could say. 

Especially my brother. He suffered a back injury last year that put him out for practically a full year of sports.  He's come back so strong and so tough...I admire him for his mental and physical strength. And my boyfriend.  He's improved so much as an athlete.  From the beginning of football season to last quarter of their last game in playoffs when his last name kept being called over and over again for tackling...it's such an uplifting feeling.  Knowing that that person is someone and something great to you and not just to you, but they are a great person.

Got to go figure that worksheet out.  Later guys.

Today I Skyped my twin sister and had a huge heart to heart talk with her.  Sometimes, it's like I forget how much she can aggravate me and grate on my nerves.  I do love her.  I love her to death, I take care of her...watch out for her.  And when an ugly bitch tries to mess with her personal life...I, quite frankly, want to go rip that girl's head off.  Plain and simple. 

See, the ugly bitch was trying to get in between my twin and her boyfriend.  Seriously?  My twin has been with him for a year and a half.  She loves him.

So I posted a facebook status.  Ya know, to let the bitch know she needs to take a step back without me directly addressing her.  I had to shake her up a bit.  Let her realize that she is dealing with a banshee of twins if she messes with my twin anymore.

It was a glorious feeling let me tell you.

Cause here's the deal.  You mess with my twin...you mess with me.  I will make you wish you hadn't crossed paths with the likes of me.  I will torment you.  Torture you.  I will haunt your existence....being the shadow that follows you late at night, waiting to jump out from the shadows.  I will forever be watching you.  Waiting.  Waiting for the moment you screw up and try to be a homewrecker.

And then I'll wreck you.

Sometimes, it seems that I have been spending the past six months trying to forget.  Forget everything. And forget the memories.  There are times I succeed.  I can put all the happy...and the not so happy memories and thoughts of the first five months of 2012 to rest and I feel okay.  I feel better. 

And then, out of the blue they creep back into my mind.  I can feel their dull ache pounding on my head, knocking, wanting to come in.  But I can't.  I can't let them in!  Because if I do...I'll be lost in them, drowned in them.  Trying to reach up for air when I know there is going to be no way that I can.

I put myself there.  I drowned myself.  It wasn't the memories.  I may blame them, but the choice to be swallowed by them is ultimately up to me. 

My life is one hopeless romantic failure.  While I can say I am with a great guy now who makes me extremely happy to be around...there is that one small part of me that still wishes I was with someone else.  That little part constantly screws with my head.  It's like...I still have hope that what happened will undo itself and he and I will be together again. 

That's not the case, my friends.  It will never be the case.

Maybe I let these thoughts into my head because no matter how many times I've told myself I've moved on, I haven't.  I feel I have.  I feel I haven't.

If anything, I feel there is unfinished business to attend to.  Maybe it is with the fact that things didn't end the best, and maybe another factor is that he was my friend for five years prior.

Or maybe it's the little bit of hope that still hopes...still believes that he will love me. 

I know he isn't going to.  He didn't in the first place...so why change his mind?

And why do I go on and on about a love that didn't work out?  A love story that hurts every time I crack the pages open and read it again.  It doesn't help me, thinking all these thoughts.  I get sad.  I get frustrated.  So why remember?

It's simple.

I loved him.

Haha, so I've been at college for over two months now and I haven't really talked about it AT ALL.  My apologizes. 

The first month was pretty great.  I was staying on top of homework (not getting a lot at that) and I was a social butterfly.  Hanging with friends every day, going out on Thursdays to a party with an old friend every week...I felt that I was living the college dream.

This last month has changed, I can see that.  I don't hang out with people as much.  I usually stay in my room working on homework.  I don't know if it's that i really have that much homework, or if I put it off till the moment before it's due.  I'm pretty sure it's not the second option though.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with my advisor to go over my planning for second semester.  Since I have priority registration on Monday, I'm practically POSITIVE I will be getting the classes I want.  Woot!  I really want the one photography class.  So bad.  It's crazy.  I've waited forever to take one and now that I need it as a requirement as a general ed and I'm thinking about my emphasis being in photography...Ack!  SO stoked :)

Gotta go do...you guessed it, homework.  Bye!

<3
Valerie